I had been out for months. Though I really wanted to write, I can't. We'll I tried a lot of times but I always ended up staring at a blank page. My hands couldn't hardly press a single key. My mind froze. My time stopped. So many things to write and so many experiences to share yet all I could just do is wonder, and cry.
But now, after series of spiritual counselings, after long talks with relatives, and after tons of advise from friends, here I am, stronger than before, braver than ever. Though what happened left a scar in my heart. And it's good. Yes, it made me believed that a scar should be considered good because it means that wound has healed, the pain over.
Here's what happened.
I got pregnant again after 2 miscarriages. But was diagnosed of "hyperemesis gravidarum", a severe case of nausea and vomiting that had me hospitalized twice or I would have suffered dehydration. I was also advised to "bed rest" for there was again a threat of miscarriage. There were series of spotting that can be triggered by even a slight body movement. So I was force to file for a leave from work for a month, without pay.
Then, I was home, on leave, taking a lot of prescription drugs, when one saturday morning my mother had a stroke. She collapsed and was unconscious. I rushed her to the neareast hospital with ICU. Doctors said if she wouldn't wake up in 72 hours, that was it. And it's true. That was it. Within that 72 hours, I prayed. Minute by minute, seconds by seconds. Asking God if it was possible to "trade-in" my baby with my mother. No answers we're given. But I didn't loose faith. No way. I was there holding her hand when the doctors were trying to revive her. They calmly said "Nanay's brain gave signal to her heart telling it to stop beating". They said they will try to revive her again. But upon seeing the way they're doing it, I just said, stop, they're hurting my nanay even more. And so, as the doctors said when we first get there, that was it. Nanay is 53.
Now, Im here in front of my computer. I'm fine. My family's fine. My tatay is back in shape after being drunk almost everyday for two months. My daughters, after series of begging me to wake up "Mama" and bring her home from the cemetery, were back at school and doing good at quizzes. My brother and sister, after being dependent on our Nanay's care though they're on their 30s, were now learning to make it on their own. The house after days of non-stoppable videoke sessions of my Nanay, is quiet because the mini-videoke that I gave her on her 52nd birthday now only serves as a DVD player. And Nanay now is happy. I'm sure. She has served God when she was a member of the church's choir, and she served people, when she was a volunteer health worker. And she has served her family well. My youngest daughter said it's cool, "Mama" is in heaven and she has wings. Yeah, I know, but she's just around, cruzin'.
There are some sayings like: when one door closes another one opens, and there's a rainbow after the rain. And now, there's a new life in me due November 1st. Too bad, Hindi ko madadalaw si Nanay sa sementeryo, baka siya na lang dadalaw sa akin sa araw ng mga dead hehe. I'm thinking to name the baby after Nanay, but Im having second thoughts, bantot ba naman ng name ni Nanay "Petronila" hahaha.
God how I missed her.
But now, after series of spiritual counselings, after long talks with relatives, and after tons of advise from friends, here I am, stronger than before, braver than ever. Though what happened left a scar in my heart. And it's good. Yes, it made me believed that a scar should be considered good because it means that wound has healed, the pain over.
Here's what happened.
I got pregnant again after 2 miscarriages. But was diagnosed of "hyperemesis gravidarum", a severe case of nausea and vomiting that had me hospitalized twice or I would have suffered dehydration. I was also advised to "bed rest" for there was again a threat of miscarriage. There were series of spotting that can be triggered by even a slight body movement. So I was force to file for a leave from work for a month, without pay.
Then, I was home, on leave, taking a lot of prescription drugs, when one saturday morning my mother had a stroke. She collapsed and was unconscious. I rushed her to the neareast hospital with ICU. Doctors said if she wouldn't wake up in 72 hours, that was it. And it's true. That was it. Within that 72 hours, I prayed. Minute by minute, seconds by seconds. Asking God if it was possible to "trade-in" my baby with my mother. No answers we're given. But I didn't loose faith. No way. I was there holding her hand when the doctors were trying to revive her. They calmly said "Nanay's brain gave signal to her heart telling it to stop beating". They said they will try to revive her again. But upon seeing the way they're doing it, I just said, stop, they're hurting my nanay even more. And so, as the doctors said when we first get there, that was it. Nanay is 53.
Now, Im here in front of my computer. I'm fine. My family's fine. My tatay is back in shape after being drunk almost everyday for two months. My daughters, after series of begging me to wake up "Mama" and bring her home from the cemetery, were back at school and doing good at quizzes. My brother and sister, after being dependent on our Nanay's care though they're on their 30s, were now learning to make it on their own. The house after days of non-stoppable videoke sessions of my Nanay, is quiet because the mini-videoke that I gave her on her 52nd birthday now only serves as a DVD player. And Nanay now is happy. I'm sure. She has served God when she was a member of the church's choir, and she served people, when she was a volunteer health worker. And she has served her family well. My youngest daughter said it's cool, "Mama" is in heaven and she has wings. Yeah, I know, but she's just around, cruzin'.
There are some sayings like: when one door closes another one opens, and there's a rainbow after the rain. And now, there's a new life in me due November 1st. Too bad, Hindi ko madadalaw si Nanay sa sementeryo, baka siya na lang dadalaw sa akin sa araw ng mga dead hehe. I'm thinking to name the baby after Nanay, but Im having second thoughts, bantot ba naman ng name ni Nanay "Petronila" hahaha.
God how I missed her.
1 comment:
welcome back:-)
remember, what didnt kill u will make u stronger. he he, cliche.
your back in my blogroll!
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