A son at last!

After 3 daughters and two miscarriages (second miscarriage being twins).

At last.

I'm having a boy.

And so I'm back

I had been out for months. Though I really wanted to write, I can't. We'll I tried a lot of times but I always ended up staring at a blank page. My hands couldn't hardly press a single key. My mind froze. My time stopped. So many things to write and so many experiences to share yet all I could just do is wonder, and cry.

But now, after series of spiritual counselings, after long talks with relatives, and after tons of advise from friends, here I am, stronger than before, braver than ever. Though what happened left a scar in my heart. And it's good. Yes, it made me believed that a scar should be considered good because it means that wound has healed, the pain over.

Here's what happened.

I got pregnant again after 2 miscarriages. But was diagnosed of "hyperemesis gravidarum", a severe case of nausea and vomiting that had me hospitalized twice or I would have suffered dehydration. I was also advised to "bed rest" for there was again a threat of miscarriage. There were series of spotting that can be triggered by even a slight body movement. So I was force to file for a leave from work for a month, without pay.

Then, I was home, on leave, taking a lot of prescription drugs, when one saturday morning my mother had a stroke. She collapsed and was unconscious. I rushed her to the neareast hospital with ICU. Doctors said if she wouldn't wake up in 72 hours, that was it. And it's true. That was it. Within that 72 hours, I prayed. Minute by minute, seconds by seconds. Asking God if it was possible to "trade-in" my baby with my mother. No answers we're given. But I didn't loose faith. No way. I was there holding her hand when the doctors were trying to revive her. They calmly said "Nanay's brain gave signal to her heart telling it to stop beating". They said they will try to revive her again. But upon seeing the way they're doing it, I just said, stop, they're hurting my nanay even more. And so, as the doctors said when we first get there, that was it. Nanay is 53.

Now, Im here in front of my computer. I'm fine. My family's fine. My tatay is back in shape after being drunk almost everyday for two months. My daughters, after series of begging me to wake up "Mama" and bring her home from the cemetery, were back at school and doing good at quizzes. My brother and sister, after being dependent on our Nanay's care though they're on their 30s, were now learning to make it on their own. The house after days of non-stoppable videoke sessions of my Nanay, is quiet because the mini-videoke that I gave her on her 52nd birthday now only serves as a DVD player. And Nanay now is happy. I'm sure. She has served God when she was a member of the church's choir, and she served people, when she was a volunteer health worker. And she has served her family well. My youngest daughter said it's cool, "Mama" is in heaven and she has wings. Yeah, I know, but she's just around, cruzin'.

There are some sayings like: when one door closes another one opens, and there's a rainbow after the rain. And now, there's a new life in me due November 1st. Too bad, Hindi ko madadalaw si Nanay sa sementeryo, baka siya na lang dadalaw sa akin sa araw ng mga dead hehe. I'm thinking to name the baby after Nanay, but Im having second thoughts, bantot ba naman ng name ni Nanay "Petronila" hahaha.

God how I missed her.

You're the 1, Goldilocks!

“You're the One Goldilocks, because you helped me in making my life worth living.”

One thing I learned from experience is that very little is needed to make a happy life. It does not depend on what we do, or what we achieved, or what we are. It’s not having a lot of money to buy what we want. For me, happiness is having a large, caring, and loving circle of family and friends and it’s not much as what I have, but what I give them.

It’s really a habit of mine to give cakes as a way of showing that I really care not only during birthdays, but on whatever occasion there is. . Not only for my big family, but also for my friends, officemates, and even neighbors. I am elated and ecstatic whenever I see the twinkle in their eyes each time I handed them out the cakes, which are always Goldilocks. It really feels good to see a loved-one so happy.

Family life is composed of so many things. One is having daughters born and they made us crazy but still we’re always there watching them grow and celebrate their birthdays year after year. I am really proud of what my daughters had become. They knew the value of my efforts. They always appreciate all the simple things I can afford to give them during their birthdays. There are a lot of times that it's only the cake that is present on the table, and yet true happiness is there with us.

My eldest daughter on her 7th birthday.

My second daughter on her 4th birthday

My youngest daughter on her 3rd birthday.

My youngest daughter again on her 4th birthday.

I really love giving cakes. I has become a part of me. My neighbor Vanessa is lucky to have been born on the day of her Lolo's birthday. No wonder she became his favorite. Actually Vanessa is a favorite of the neighborhood. She has turned from a cry baby kindergarten girl to a very fine pretty lady. On their birthday a month ago, I gave each of them a roll of Goldilocks cake. See the smile on her lolo's face. It's "happy birthdays" for them but somehow I felt sad, because I knew, little time is left for them to spent together. Lolo is 83.

Goldilocks had gone a long way in my life and it never failed in making everyone of us happy. Below is a picture taken 9 years ago on the 60th birthday of my bestfriend's Tatay. During that time, cakes with pictures is really in! We had to travel from Nasugbu, Batangas to Manila a day before the birthday just to have the cake made. And efforts really count. Tatay is surprised not by the cake but because he saw his face on it and even hesitated to eat the cake thinking that it can't be eaten. We had good laugh and laughed even more when tatay blew the cake 2 feet away because he thought he'd mess his picture.

There are so many feelings that wanted to come out of hearts yet too little ways to express it. Maybe because we're too shy, or it felt awkward, or the person that we wanted to talk to is not that familiar or not that close to us. So we will find a way to have the words come out. I came to experience this on the despedida party of our General Manager. He's been with us for a couple of years and we're not that close to him. Well, we talked sometimes, he joked a few, but that was all. Maybe because he's the Manager, and we're just his staff, or maybe because there's a language barrier between us since he's Latino. The news spread that he's resigning in a couple of days. There were questions as to why, or what happened, but the answer we got is "It's personal". So on his despedida party we expressed our feeling and thoughts through Goldilocks cakes (we can't pronounce "Bon Voyage" properly hehehe). So many words to say that it did not fit a single cake so we got two. We party all night long and gave our goodbyes and wished him all the luck. We can really never tell what a person's worth not until he's gone.

Words are not enough, so we need cakes.

Can't barely see boss at the back.

There's really so much in store for us that life has to give. We just have to believe that life is worth living for and this belief will take us to the right path. Whenever I was asked if my life is worth living, I can say yes. Not because I followed certain rules or lived by the rule. All I can say that in my own little way, I made people I love happy. But I can never do this alone. As a human, I can use a little help that will give ease in anything that I do. And there's Goldilocks that's always been there each time I ran out of money to spend or ran out of words to say. So simple things yet so meaningful. So now it's my chance to thank Goldilocks for being a part of who I am now. Thank you so much. You're the 1, Goldilocks!